Crap Joke Thread

[wirrah]

Now, if you could extract water from the dihydrogen monoxide, the chemical hazard would be neutralised.
Problem solved…..

As proved by air cooled VWs!

[wirrah]

I know it's a joke
but don't fuck with it cause someone's gona take it seriously

I was going to add. If you don't know what Dihydrogen Monoxide is, please contact the professor after class. 

[Ninga]

   

[wirrah]

Vladimir, a balding older russian tourist, is on his very first visit to Bangkok. By complete chance, he finds that he has wandered into Bangkok’s infamous red light district. Vladimir explores and, again by complete chance, he finds himself outside a large bar with scantily clad girls. Now Vladimir certainly did not look at the scantily clad girls … but he did suddenly realise that he was quite thirsty. So he entered the bar. The Mammisan asked the grandfatherly Russian to be seated and sent over a bar girl to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the Mammisan sends over a more experienced bar girl to entertain the Russian gentleman.

They sit and talk a little, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she screams, "No!" and quickly walks away.

The Mammisan is surprised that this grandfatherly short balding man has asked for something so outrageous that her two bargirls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced bargirl, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything will surprise her. So the Mammisan sends her over to Vladimir’s table. They sit and talk a little, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, YOU CREEP!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Mammisan is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a Bangkok bar. Mammisan hasn't done the “entertainment” work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to anything a grandfatherly Russian could ever possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her bargirls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach all her bargirls a lesson.

So she goes over to Vladimir’s table and says that she's the best the bar has available. She sits and talks with him. They talk a little, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.

He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Rubles?"

[Grantus]

I thought it was leading to a Jimmy Carr joke:

“My first Thai wife died of testicular cancer”…

But no, it was just currency rejection. 

[wirrah]

But no, it was just currency rejection. 

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub near Red Square in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev also ours?? - Yes yes, of course it’s ours

Wow, amazing ... how much for the drinks?

50 Ukrainian Hryvnia please - Bartender says

[gazman]

People called me strange when I ate a calculator.
I told them 'It's what's on the inside that counts'...

[Oldman]

[Wayne Murray]

   

[Oldman]

Why do chicken coops have two doors ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
......... 'cause if they had four, they'd be chicken sedans.